It’s hard to believe that I’m going to be married in less than four months. As exciting as it’s been preparing for marriage during this time of engagement, there have been moments of stress that have crept along the way.
What people don’t talk enough about when getting engaged is that this is a time of trial and discernment. Don’t me wrong, being engaged is wonderful. Yet, there is a whole learning curve that come with being engaged. This is a time in a couple’s relationship where all real topics of life are brought on the table: children, finances, routines, living arrangements, etc. Couples may have talked about these things in some form or fashion. When they get engaged, these talks have to be more substantial.
My fiancee and I also bought a house a couple months ago and we’ve had the joy of settling in before the shutdown order came into effect due the pandemic. We’re following the traditional custom of my fiancee moving in after we get married, so I’m keeping the house occupied for the time being. I have to admit, it’s been really nice transitioning into what it would look like to live together. There’s so much excitement for what is to come when she finally moves in.
Growing together means loving each other at the best and worst of moments. The convenience of dating is whenever the worst moments come, say moments of argument, both individuals can go home without the burden of confronting of each other. Unless both people are living together, two people in a relationship have their own space to process their emotions: to cry, to yell, and to be quiet.
I was talking to my fiancee a couple days ago and she shared something with me that I found myself reflecting on. She told me that whenever we find ourselves angry at each other or arguing that it’s better to hate what that person is doing, rather than hating the person directly. Hating what the person does, not the person, helps to differentiate the problem. “He makes me angry,” versus, “What he does makes me angry.”
Learning to differentiate between the two has been an honest game changer for me. What my fiancee and I do that bothers us should never take away the love that we have for each other. We’ve known each other for about two years before getting engaged, so we’ve had some time to plant some roots in our relationship. We know each other enough that when one of us does something out of character, we have a better understanding why they did it.
For me, I am a perfectionist when it comes to doing things. Whenever, I encounter failure, I let that moment ruin my day. I clam up, isolating myself and not talking to anyone. My fiancee has begun to pick up on that since we bought the house and she’s been able to visit regularly. Like a gardener, we know the roots we’ve planted in each other’s lives and the weeds of arguments that creep are only superficial. Growing together means tending to the roots daily, nourishing them by being patient with the other.
Toward the Top 